Clyde T. Dog

When someone's dog passes, people will often write how much he or she meant to them and how they changed their lives, and it's always very very VERY sad. Each time I read one of those (and I always end up reading them), I always end up thinking, "This should've been written while they were still alive, so it wouldn't be so freaking sad."

So since today is my very own Clyde T. Dog's makeshift birthday, I thought I'd blow the dust off this old blog and do just that. WARNING: this will be sappy and personal but I don't care.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. That means lots of doctors, lots of helpings from the medication sampler plate, lots of turns at the medication roulette wheel, lots of people telling me to "just get over it." Staying on top of all that in an attempt to stay healthy and functional is work.

So like anything else, it's nice to take a break from that work occasionally. Unfortunately, "occasionally" became a lot more frequent, as I began to drink myself into oblivion in an attempt to get my brain to quiet down. I dreaded going to work and often called in for no reason, just so I could stay home and do nothing. And by nothing, I mean nothing -- I didn't read, watch TV, go on the internet, eat, shower, anything.

I thought a dog would help pull me out of this malaise, at least in a superficial sense. It was something I'd been thinking on and off about for a couple years, figuring it'd be nice to have a companion to hang out with, or at least a conversation piece. I had a dog as a kid (Rudy T. Dog) and he was cool to have around, so long as I wasn't responsible for him. But still, this new dog wouldn't be a big deal. So I'd buy food and treats and toys, that's not so bad.

My girlfriend Pearl and I went to the Animal Humane Society in Golden Valley, MN and didn't see anything that fit what I was looking for. Until we were headed on our way out, Pearl said, "What about this guy?" The sign said 26 pounds, corgi mix. I didn't even see him on our first two go-rounds of the facility, because he was curled up in a tight little ball in the middle of his kennel. He did not want anything to do with the rest of the shelter.

A volunteer brought him outside for us. I sat Indian-style on the ground, and within 2 seconds, this dog butted his head against my lap like a cat. Well, that's that. This is Clyde, my new dog.

After all the paperwork, we brought him home to my condo, and his demeanor changed immediately. The sad sack puppy eyes act was gone, and he was trotting around like he owned the place. You could almost hear him saying, "Couch... bed... nice chair over here... yeah, this place will work out fine," before he plopped down in front of the sliding glass door to scope out the rabbits and squirrels below.

It was at this point that it hit me like a ton of bricks: I'm responsible for this guy. Me. Jesus Christ, I can't even take care of myself, how the hell am I going to take care of this dog? What the hell have I done?

And I lost it, sitting there sobbing like an idiot. I was overwhelmed. I had to do everything I could to take care of this guy, because he needed me. I'm just some naive sheltered doofus, nothing is supposed to need me. But this butt-nosed smug dog does.

That was 4 years ago today, the day my life changed for the better. Now I had structure. My own personal problems had to take a back seat -- it was irrelevant how I felt, how depression hit me that day, how anxious I was, because this dog needs me. So we walked twice a day for an hour, rain or shine, every single day, including the day you're reading this. And hey, whaddya know, having structure and being outside every day turned out to be extremely beneficial.

That sort of stuff builds confidence over time, and eventually led to leaving MN for New Mexico, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I knew I could do it because Clyde's smug buttnose face was right there with me.

Happy birthday, Clyde T. Dog

2015 NFL Predic-- I Mean GUARANTEES

Is that headline clickbait-y enough? Anyway, since training camps are starting, I've got football on the mind. So here are a list of things that I predict GUARANTEE will happen this year.

There will be a quarterback controversy in Denver. The more I think about this, the more I like it. As a lifelong Vikings fan, I feel every fanbase should have to endure at least one bafflingly stupid quarterback controversy that makes you question why you decide to associate yourself with such meatheaded fans. There have been many in Vikings history; after all, the most popular Vikings player is always, always the backup quarterback. 

But the absolute worst that I had to sit through was 2003. Daunte Culpepper was finally beginning to bloom after a rough 2001-02 stretch, living up to his 1st round draft billing by playing really well against Green Bay and Chicago. He got hurt after taking a helmet to the back in Week 3 at home against Detroit, but Gus Frerotte heroically saved the day and successfully filled in for Daunte the next two weeks as the Vikings improved to 5-0.

Daunte was ready to come back, but many fans still wanted Gus. Yes that's right, the majority of Vikings fans were already through with our immensely talented, physically gifted 11th overall pick of 1999. They wanted Gus God Damned Frerotte over Daunte Culpepper for fuck's sake. Gus fucking Frerotte!! I am incapable of getting over this.

So as a result of that nonsense, I take delight when fans can't help but act like idiots and shout for the new guy. The current climate in Denver is absolutely perfect for it too - it's Year 4 of Peyton with no championships, he's older and gimpier and noodlier, and Brock Osweiler is just itching to get in. He will get his shot this year, play decently enough, and fans will demand he play over the greatest QB ever. I can't wait.

Teddy Bridgewater will have a better season than Drew Brees. File this under "I can't help myself." But you could really stick any number of guys in this statement other than Teddy. Ryan Tannehill, Eli Manning, maybe even Colin Kaepernick. I think Brees is finished.

He'll still rack up a shitload of yards, and he's thrown for at least 33 TDs the past 7 seasons. But he appears to have acquired the Vinny Testaverde/Neil O'Donnell-ish quality of throwing an interception so bad, you can't help but wonder "What the hell was that??" out loud. There are several examples to point to last year - keeping a godawful Tampa team in a game they had no business being in with three INTs, making this inexplicable throw nursing a 6 point lead with 3 minutes left against Detroit, short-arming a prayer to Marques Colston, or throwing an atrocious pick-6 to Will Hill against Baltimore. 

Sure anyone can cherry pick a few bad plays. But the three I linked are more than just bad decisions - they're bad throws, woefully inaccurate. The attempt to Colston against SF is especially damning, because it's a clean pocket with all day to throw - and the result was a wounded duck that had no chance in hell.

The popular Brees comparison for his current state is late 90s Dan Marino, but this coming season he might actually be worse. The Saints have a whopping twelve wideouts on their roster right now in a desperate attempt to find something, anything, resembling a reliable target or potential big play guy. The best of the bunch is 10 year veteran and surefire injury waiting to happen Marques Colston. After that, it's Brandin Cooks. Their best TE is Ben Watson. Yeah, that Ben Watson. It's going to get ugly.

As for Teddy, we'll get to him later.

The Oakland Raiders will finish above .500. They can't run the ball worth a damn (o-line ranked 28th in adjusted line yards in 2014) but they can pass protect extremely well (3rd overall in adjusted sack rate, allowed just 28 sacks in all of 2014). That allowed Derek Carr to become what the Raiders haven't had in decades - a halfway decent young quarterback. 

They drafted Amari Cooper 4th overall this past May to help him out, and if the o-line is as good as it was last year (they let center Stefen Wisiniewski go but signed KC free agent Rodney Hudson, everyone else is back), then Carr will have plenty of time to go deep and allow Cooper to do what he does best. The Raiders also picked up Michael Crabtree, so he'll have an opportunity to work underneath while Cooper stretches the field. So in short: decent QB + time to throw + Cooper + Crabtree = a great shot at 4000+ yards for Carr. 

The problem is their defense sucks. They do have a superstar in the making in Khalil Mack, who may as well be the heir apparent to Patrick Willis as best linebacker in the league. But after him, the Raiders defense is flimsy and old. They accumulated only 22 sacks last year, a whopping 16 below the league average.

I do think their offense will be good enough to outscore some teams, however. Their schedule pits them against some truly lousy defenses like Chicago, Tennessee, Pittsburgh and San Diego twice. I also think Denver comes crashing down to Earth this year, and KC also regresses a bit.

So hey, things are looking up for the Raiders! And not just because they signed Samantha Christian Ponder. Plus it's not like they went out and got someone like Jack Del Rio as their head coach or anyth--



God... dammit... well, I'm sticking by my guns. The Raiders(' offense) will be good this year.

For my next guarantee, we hand things over to Shannon Sharpe.

JB, YOU EVER TRY AN WATCH HIGHLIGHTS ON EN EFF ELL NETWORK? YOU GOT DEE-YON AND MITCHELL IRVING MUMBLIN' AN STUMBLIN' ALL OVER THEIR WORDS... HEYLL, IF THEY NEEDS A GUY TO DO THAT, I'M RIGHT HERE! SHANAWN SHARPE O'ER RIGHT HERE!

I CALL MARVIN LEWIS, AND HE TELL ME... HEY WAIT A MINIT...

OH I SEE HOW IT IS BOOM. THAT HOW YOU PLAY ME?

Y'ALL THINK I CANT READS THE HIGHLIGHTS? JB I'S A REGULAR BRINE WEEYUMS, I BEEN DOIN HIGHLIGHTS A LAWN, LAWN TIME. I REED MEEYUNS AND MEEYUS OF HIGHLIGHTS, I REED HIGHLIGHTS IN MY SLEEPS. HEH, COACH KNOW!

I GAR-AWN-TEE THAT YO'S TRULY, SHANAWN SHARPE, WILL BE ON YOUR TV SCREEN SOMEHOW SOMEWAY THIS FALL, AND JB I HAVE TO AGREE.

Moving on, Teddy Bridgewater will Just Win Football Games™ in 2015. I was excited to see that Bridgewater brought about a split opinion between varying statheads, namely Football Outsiders and Pro Football Focus. To put it simply, FO thought he was pretty good last year and PFF thought he was pretty lousy.

Obviously as a Vikings fan, I've suffered through excruciating quarterback play, so it's nice enough to see some light at the end of the tunnel with Bridgewater. But it's even better that we have one of Those Guys - a guy that frustrates people because he doesn't put up gaudy stats, but he Just Wins™. Vince Young held this moniker briefly at Tennessee before passing the torch to Mark Sanchez in 2009.

Alright, Bridgewater only won a handful of games last year, but he's well on his way. He rarely forces things, but still slings it downfield where only his receiver can catch it. He bounces back from mistakes, as he showed against Miami, rebounding from an awful 3rd quarter interception to put up 18 points in the 4th. He's not afraid to take a hit, step up in the pocket and deliver the damn ball, unlike those with names that rhyme with Phristian Conder. The Vikings offensive line was in tatters, so Bridgewater took his fair share of hits. But it never seemed to matter too much.

Gritty. Gutty. Leader. Bridgewater.