Clyde T. Dog

When someone's dog passes, people will often write how much he or she meant to them and how they changed their lives, and it's always very very VERY sad. Each time I read one of those (and I always end up reading them), I always end up thinking, "This should've been written while they were still alive, so it wouldn't be so freaking sad."

So since today is my very own Clyde T. Dog's makeshift birthday, I thought I'd blow the dust off this old blog and do just that. WARNING: this will be sappy and personal but I don't care.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. That means lots of doctors, lots of helpings from the medication sampler plate, lots of turns at the medication roulette wheel, lots of people telling me to "just get over it." Staying on top of all that in an attempt to stay healthy and functional is work.

So like anything else, it's nice to take a break from that work occasionally. Unfortunately, "occasionally" became a lot more frequent, as I began to drink myself into oblivion in an attempt to get my brain to quiet down. I dreaded going to work and often called in for no reason, just so I could stay home and do nothing. And by nothing, I mean nothing -- I didn't read, watch TV, go on the internet, eat, shower, anything.

I thought a dog would help pull me out of this malaise, at least in a superficial sense. It was something I'd been thinking on and off about for a couple years, figuring it'd be nice to have a companion to hang out with, or at least a conversation piece. I had a dog as a kid (Rudy T. Dog) and he was cool to have around, so long as I wasn't responsible for him. But still, this new dog wouldn't be a big deal. So I'd buy food and treats and toys, that's not so bad.

My girlfriend Pearl and I went to the Animal Humane Society in Golden Valley, MN and didn't see anything that fit what I was looking for. Until we were headed on our way out, Pearl said, "What about this guy?" The sign said 26 pounds, corgi mix. I didn't even see him on our first two go-rounds of the facility, because he was curled up in a tight little ball in the middle of his kennel. He did not want anything to do with the rest of the shelter.

A volunteer brought him outside for us. I sat Indian-style on the ground, and within 2 seconds, this dog butted his head against my lap like a cat. Well, that's that. This is Clyde, my new dog.

After all the paperwork, we brought him home to my condo, and his demeanor changed immediately. The sad sack puppy eyes act was gone, and he was trotting around like he owned the place. You could almost hear him saying, "Couch... bed... nice chair over here... yeah, this place will work out fine," before he plopped down in front of the sliding glass door to scope out the rabbits and squirrels below.

It was at this point that it hit me like a ton of bricks: I'm responsible for this guy. Me. Jesus Christ, I can't even take care of myself, how the hell am I going to take care of this dog? What the hell have I done?

And I lost it, sitting there sobbing like an idiot. I was overwhelmed. I had to do everything I could to take care of this guy, because he needed me. I'm just some naive sheltered doofus, nothing is supposed to need me. But this butt-nosed smug dog does.

That was 4 years ago today, the day my life changed for the better. Now I had structure. My own personal problems had to take a back seat -- it was irrelevant how I felt, how depression hit me that day, how anxious I was, because this dog needs me. So we walked twice a day for an hour, rain or shine, every single day, including the day you're reading this. And hey, whaddya know, having structure and being outside every day turned out to be extremely beneficial.

That sort of stuff builds confidence over time, and eventually led to leaving MN for New Mexico, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I knew I could do it because Clyde's smug buttnose face was right there with me.

Happy birthday, Clyde T. Dog

2015 NFL Predic-- I Mean GUARANTEES

Is that headline clickbait-y enough? Anyway, since training camps are starting, I've got football on the mind. So here are a list of things that I predict GUARANTEE will happen this year.

There will be a quarterback controversy in Denver. The more I think about this, the more I like it. As a lifelong Vikings fan, I feel every fanbase should have to endure at least one bafflingly stupid quarterback controversy that makes you question why you decide to associate yourself with such meatheaded fans. There have been many in Vikings history; after all, the most popular Vikings player is always, always the backup quarterback. 

But the absolute worst that I had to sit through was 2003. Daunte Culpepper was finally beginning to bloom after a rough 2001-02 stretch, living up to his 1st round draft billing by playing really well against Green Bay and Chicago. He got hurt after taking a helmet to the back in Week 3 at home against Detroit, but Gus Frerotte heroically saved the day and successfully filled in for Daunte the next two weeks as the Vikings improved to 5-0.

Daunte was ready to come back, but many fans still wanted Gus. Yes that's right, the majority of Vikings fans were already through with our immensely talented, physically gifted 11th overall pick of 1999. They wanted Gus God Damned Frerotte over Daunte Culpepper for fuck's sake. Gus fucking Frerotte!! I am incapable of getting over this.

So as a result of that nonsense, I take delight when fans can't help but act like idiots and shout for the new guy. The current climate in Denver is absolutely perfect for it too - it's Year 4 of Peyton with no championships, he's older and gimpier and noodlier, and Brock Osweiler is just itching to get in. He will get his shot this year, play decently enough, and fans will demand he play over the greatest QB ever. I can't wait.

Teddy Bridgewater will have a better season than Drew Brees. File this under "I can't help myself." But you could really stick any number of guys in this statement other than Teddy. Ryan Tannehill, Eli Manning, maybe even Colin Kaepernick. I think Brees is finished.

He'll still rack up a shitload of yards, and he's thrown for at least 33 TDs the past 7 seasons. But he appears to have acquired the Vinny Testaverde/Neil O'Donnell-ish quality of throwing an interception so bad, you can't help but wonder "What the hell was that??" out loud. There are several examples to point to last year - keeping a godawful Tampa team in a game they had no business being in with three INTs, making this inexplicable throw nursing a 6 point lead with 3 minutes left against Detroit, short-arming a prayer to Marques Colston, or throwing an atrocious pick-6 to Will Hill against Baltimore. 

Sure anyone can cherry pick a few bad plays. But the three I linked are more than just bad decisions - they're bad throws, woefully inaccurate. The attempt to Colston against SF is especially damning, because it's a clean pocket with all day to throw - and the result was a wounded duck that had no chance in hell.

The popular Brees comparison for his current state is late 90s Dan Marino, but this coming season he might actually be worse. The Saints have a whopping twelve wideouts on their roster right now in a desperate attempt to find something, anything, resembling a reliable target or potential big play guy. The best of the bunch is 10 year veteran and surefire injury waiting to happen Marques Colston. After that, it's Brandin Cooks. Their best TE is Ben Watson. Yeah, that Ben Watson. It's going to get ugly.

As for Teddy, we'll get to him later.

The Oakland Raiders will finish above .500. They can't run the ball worth a damn (o-line ranked 28th in adjusted line yards in 2014) but they can pass protect extremely well (3rd overall in adjusted sack rate, allowed just 28 sacks in all of 2014). That allowed Derek Carr to become what the Raiders haven't had in decades - a halfway decent young quarterback. 

They drafted Amari Cooper 4th overall this past May to help him out, and if the o-line is as good as it was last year (they let center Stefen Wisiniewski go but signed KC free agent Rodney Hudson, everyone else is back), then Carr will have plenty of time to go deep and allow Cooper to do what he does best. The Raiders also picked up Michael Crabtree, so he'll have an opportunity to work underneath while Cooper stretches the field. So in short: decent QB + time to throw + Cooper + Crabtree = a great shot at 4000+ yards for Carr. 

The problem is their defense sucks. They do have a superstar in the making in Khalil Mack, who may as well be the heir apparent to Patrick Willis as best linebacker in the league. But after him, the Raiders defense is flimsy and old. They accumulated only 22 sacks last year, a whopping 16 below the league average.

I do think their offense will be good enough to outscore some teams, however. Their schedule pits them against some truly lousy defenses like Chicago, Tennessee, Pittsburgh and San Diego twice. I also think Denver comes crashing down to Earth this year, and KC also regresses a bit.

So hey, things are looking up for the Raiders! And not just because they signed Samantha Christian Ponder. Plus it's not like they went out and got someone like Jack Del Rio as their head coach or anyth--



God... dammit... well, I'm sticking by my guns. The Raiders(' offense) will be good this year.

For my next guarantee, we hand things over to Shannon Sharpe.

JB, YOU EVER TRY AN WATCH HIGHLIGHTS ON EN EFF ELL NETWORK? YOU GOT DEE-YON AND MITCHELL IRVING MUMBLIN' AN STUMBLIN' ALL OVER THEIR WORDS... HEYLL, IF THEY NEEDS A GUY TO DO THAT, I'M RIGHT HERE! SHANAWN SHARPE O'ER RIGHT HERE!

I CALL MARVIN LEWIS, AND HE TELL ME... HEY WAIT A MINIT...

OH I SEE HOW IT IS BOOM. THAT HOW YOU PLAY ME?

Y'ALL THINK I CANT READS THE HIGHLIGHTS? JB I'S A REGULAR BRINE WEEYUMS, I BEEN DOIN HIGHLIGHTS A LAWN, LAWN TIME. I REED MEEYUNS AND MEEYUS OF HIGHLIGHTS, I REED HIGHLIGHTS IN MY SLEEPS. HEH, COACH KNOW!

I GAR-AWN-TEE THAT YO'S TRULY, SHANAWN SHARPE, WILL BE ON YOUR TV SCREEN SOMEHOW SOMEWAY THIS FALL, AND JB I HAVE TO AGREE.

Moving on, Teddy Bridgewater will Just Win Football Games™ in 2015. I was excited to see that Bridgewater brought about a split opinion between varying statheads, namely Football Outsiders and Pro Football Focus. To put it simply, FO thought he was pretty good last year and PFF thought he was pretty lousy.

Obviously as a Vikings fan, I've suffered through excruciating quarterback play, so it's nice enough to see some light at the end of the tunnel with Bridgewater. But it's even better that we have one of Those Guys - a guy that frustrates people because he doesn't put up gaudy stats, but he Just Wins™. Vince Young held this moniker briefly at Tennessee before passing the torch to Mark Sanchez in 2009.

Alright, Bridgewater only won a handful of games last year, but he's well on his way. He rarely forces things, but still slings it downfield where only his receiver can catch it. He bounces back from mistakes, as he showed against Miami, rebounding from an awful 3rd quarter interception to put up 18 points in the 4th. He's not afraid to take a hit, step up in the pocket and deliver the damn ball, unlike those with names that rhyme with Phristian Conder. The Vikings offensive line was in tatters, so Bridgewater took his fair share of hits. But it never seemed to matter too much.

Gritty. Gutty. Leader. Bridgewater. 

I'm Getting the Hell Out of Here

I was born in Minnesota, grew up in Minnesota, lived in Minnesota, and two weeks from now I'm leaving. I'm leaving the midwest entirely to move to New Mexico. But before I do, I wanted to make a couple lists of stuff I will miss and stuff I will not miss about being here.

I won't go into too much detail why I'm leaving. It's nothing interesting anyway -- seriously, I'm the most boring person on Earth, all I really need is my dog and a beer and I'm happy. But it boils down to one of those existential-type deals where you ask yourself, "Why not?" I'm 32, a good opportunity presented itself, might as well go. 

I'll start with stuff I won't miss about Minnesota, so I can end this post with sappy Jim-Nantzian warm smarmy shmaltzyness:


I WILL NOT MISS:

- The Minnesota Department of Transportation. Particularly the guy who thinks its a genius idea to schedule all major highway construction projects to begin at the exact same time. And the committee of people who close a random bridge and elect not to put up any sign/notification within 2 miles of said closure. (Of course, this isn't to imply that the New Mexico DOT won't cause their share of problems, but I can almost guarantee there will be a hell of a lot LESS problems.)

- Phantom traffic light changes. Related to the previous point, but these get special attention. I've spent extended time in Pennsylvania, Texas, Iowa, Wisconsin and New Mexico, but Minnesota is the only place where a traffic light will change even if no other car is waiting there. It'll just change for the sake of changing. Evidently, the purpose of a traffic light here isn't to regulate traffic, it's to stop every car. And if it's the Sheridan Road light on 66th in Richfield, even if it's 3AM, you will wait there for the full 90 god damn seconds GOD HELP YOU.

- The horrendous ragweed pollen that permeates the air from mid-August until the end of September. 

- Paul Allen's voice.

- Local news interrupting TV broadcasts with MONUMENTAL WEATHER UPDATES OH DEAR GOD IT'S RAINING WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

- All the silly weather nonsense that everyone is sick to death of hearing about. But special shout out to black ice. Goodbye, black ice.


I WILL MISS:

- Big V's. The shittiest, diviest shitty dive bar, but it was MY shitty dive bar, dammit.

- Pizza Athena at Pizza Luce. Food meant for kings among men, and I'm honored they let a mere mortal like me have one once in a while.

- Surly Beer. See above, replace "food" with "drink."

- Name-dropping random obscure athletes that have played in Minnesota at one point or another. I love conversations like, "Remember Richard Park?" and seeing people's faces light up with recognition. I've always loved the fact that the mere mention of names like Steve Lombardozzi, Hunter Goodwin, Stanley Roberts, Maxim Sushinsky, Jermaine Wiggins or Scott Stahoviak makes people happy. (Or angry, if you mention Nick Punto.)

- Target Field. And whatever the new Vikings stadium ends up being named. I'm bummed I'll miss out on that.

- the Triple Rock.

- the 3-4 week stretch in May and again in October when it's just friggin PERFECT outside.

- Just how friggin nice everyone is here. Minnesota Nice is a cheesy cliche but it's not a myth. 


I'm sure I forgot a ton of stuff in the MISS category but that's just off the top of my head. I have another two weeks to think of more junk.

Ironclad Stone Cold Ice Locking Pick Lock Rock Plock Lick Picks for 2013

Vikings worst case scenario: 7-9. They suck but don't suck bad enough to get a good draft choice so they're stuck in purgatory. Ponder sucks worse than last year, so people cry for Cassel who will somehow be even worse than Ponder. Greg Jennings is the second coming of Bernard Berrian. Peterson gets hurt. Brad Childress somehow becomes head coach again.

Vikings best case scenario: 10-6, like last year. Ponder is competent. Cassel doesn't see the field. Jennings is a solid #1 WR. Peterson is Peterson. Childress remains a high school janitor somewhere. Harrison Smith is a beast all year. Everson Griffin has 10 sacks. All three first round picks do well. That Mauti kid from Penn State becomes a difference maker at LB.

The answer will be somewhere in between. But man, their schedule is bruuuutal. If they're over .500 I'll honestly be surprised.

Just as a reminder for Vikings fans, PLEASE, I beg you, keep these things in mind this season and repeat after me:

Matt Cassel is not better than Christian Ponder. Joe Webb is not better than Matt Cassel or Christian Ponder. McLeod Bethel-Thompson is not better than Joe Webb, Matt Cassel or Christian Ponder.

Now here's the rest of my predictions with some notes here and there:

NFC North
Green Bay 10-6 (Their o-line is still a problem. One-and-done playoff fodder.)
Minnesota 8-8
Chicago 8-8 (Talent is there but not sure about new head coach or front seven.)
Detroit 5-11 (D-line way overrated and secondary is TERRIBLE. No idea why they're getting buzz.)

NFC East
Dallas 9-7 (There's just too much skill talent there for them to not eventually have a good year.)
NY Giants 9-7 (Typical Giants season.)
Washington 7-9 (RG3 makes it to Week 5 before going down again.)
Philadelphia 4-12 (Defense is the worst in football. But hey, rabblerabbleChipKellyrabblerabble.)

NFC South
Atlanta 13-3 (Not crazy about defense but man, Ryan/Jones/White/Gonzo is effing strong.)
New Orleans 10-6 (Wild Card in Payton's return.)
Carolina 6-10 (Meh.)
Tampa Bay 4-12 (Bleh.)

NFC West
San Francisco 12-4 (Best defense in football.)
Seattle 9-7 (I'm just not buying Russell Wilson. But they get the Wild Card.)
St Louis 8-8 (Competitive but not good enough, typical Jeff Fisher team.)
Arizona 4-12 (Carson Palmer is the ultimate huge-stats-on-bad-team QB.)

AFC North
Baltimore 11-5 (Coaching and additions on D will put them in AFC title game again.)
Cincinnati 10-6 (Tons of hype for them but they're the same as last year to me, Wild Card again.)
Pittsburgh 8-8 (Tomlin and Ben are worth at least 8 wins every year.)
Cleveland 8-8 (A year away.)

AFC East
New England 10-6 (Brady + Belichick + easy division = automatic 10 wins.)
Miami 9-7 (I like their offense, will contend for Wild Card.)
Buffalo 6-10 (No idea about their coach or QB situation but decent amount of talent.)
NY Jets 3-13 (Clownin' for Clowney. Even then, Jets wouldn't be smart enough to draft him.)

AFC South
Houston 14-2 (Loaded roster. Crap coach but this should be their year.)
Indianapolis 8-8 (Love Luck but their D is right down there with Philly.)
Tennessee 6-10 (Meh.)
Jacksonville 3-13 (Bleh.)

AFC West
Denver 14-2 (Peyton. Welker. Thomas. Decker. Friggin' stacked.)
Kansas City 10-6 (Reid/Smith a ginormous upgrade over Crennel/Cassel. Wild Card team.)
Oakland 5-11 (Another year, another losing record.)
San Diego 5-11 (The beginning of a long, rough stretch for this crap roster.)

Playoffs
Seattle at Green Bay - Green Bay
New Orleans at Dallas - Dallas
Cincinnati at Baltimore - Baltimore
Kansas City at New England - Kansas City

Dallas at San Francisco - Dallas
Green Bay at Atlanta - Atlanta
Baltimore at Denver - Baltimore
Kansas City at Houston - Houston

Dallas at Atlanta - Atlanta
Baltimore at Houston - Houston

Atlanta vs. Houston - Houston

That's right, the friggin' Houston Texans are my Super Bowl pick. I do not feel the slightest bit good about it, but I don't have to worry because it has no chance in hell of being right.

Other random thoughts: Dallas' annual kick in the balls comes in the NFC title game this year. I also couldn't resist a Dallas/San Francisco playoff game, which would be awesome just for the uniforms and history montages alone. Baltimore/Denver will be touted as a "REVENGE GAME" ("Peyton's been salivating for this!")... and then the Broncos promptly get their asses handed to them. I love when that happens. (See also: Green Bay at San Francisco last year.)

The Absolute Definitive Amazing Quarterback Power Rankings Ever In The World Of The Universe Forever And Ever Amen (for 2013)

Because what the hell, I'm bored and anxious to talk about football. This pointless list represents how I'd rank the starting quarterbacks at the quarterback position on the football field of the National Football League. There, now I feel like a real blowhard.

32. Mark Sanchez
31. Blaine Gabbert
I don't know about you, but that just looks hilarious in print, doesn't it? Well not in print, on the screen... whatever. In conclusion, buttfumble.

30. Whoever the Raiders Start
I had to look it up -- apparently it's either Matt Flynn, Terrell Pryor, Tyler Wilson, Matt McGloin, Jay Schroeder, Kenny Stabler, Todd Marinovich or George Ratterman. My money is on Schroeder.

29. Kevin Kolb
When you heard "quarterback hurts knee slipping on a mat," your first thought was probably, "Wait, Greg Oden is a quarterback?" But I'm confident the next was, "God, Kevin Kolb just suuuuuucks."

28. Brandon Weeden
27. Jake Locker
I have no clue what to even say about these guys, so here's a picture of my dog looking bored.



26. Christian Ponder
Hey, look, proof that I'm not a stupid homer. Unless you think Ponder is even worse than Jake Locker, which I'd have no problem with. If I read one more post or hear one more talking head say that Ponder needs to STEP IT UP this year, I'm going to put myself in the Sharpshooter until I pass out. NO SHIT HE HAS TO STEP IT UP, EINSTEIN. Ugh.

25. Ryan Tannehill
24. Sam Bradford
23. Andy Dalton
22. Josh Freeman
Ah, the "We spent a high draft pick on this guy so we have to play him for better or for worse even if he's average at best" category. Also known as "purgatory." Full disclosure: I've barely seen Tannehill play, because I'm an NFL expert which is why you're reading this. Hard hitting analysis.

21. Carson Palmer
20. Philip Rivers
19. Michael Vick
The "totally washed up but can still put up nice numbers" category. Also known as "purgatory but more depressing because fans can't delude themselves into thinking 'Young Guy X Just Needs More Time.'" There's a better chance one of these guys pulls a Rich Gannon and catches fire than the Freeman/Dalton/Bradford/Tannehill group being anything other than mediocre.

18. Russell Wilson
So yeah, I'm not in on the RUSSELL WILSON JUST WINS FOOTBALL GAMES ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD WITH THE FOOTBALL circle-jerk. People forget just how awful he was for a large majority of the season up until his career-best game at Atlanta in the playoffs. And when I say awful, I mean like... can't-even-throw-the-ball-over-his-own-offensive-line awful. But hey he JUST WINS so who cares about style points or sustainability or defense or special teams or any of those other things.

17. Alex Smith
I was actually bummed out to see him traded. After years of being stuck in such a terrible situation, he was finally put in a position to succeed, leading to one of the all-time great playoff games with that absolutely awesome final drive against New Orleans in the '11-'12 postseason. Ever since then I've been on the bandwagon. The Chiefs will win with this dude. Not necessarily because of him, but you could do much worse.

16. Matt Schaub
Totally average, which is why he's smack dab in the middle at #16. Texans fans defend this guy to the death for not having enough targets, having crappy playcalling, or whatever... but any one of those fans who say they wouldn't trade him for the one of the 15 guys ahead of him is a liar.

15. Cam Newton
One of the hardest guys to place, so middle of the pack seems about right. He's spectacular at times, but I have a nagging feeling Cam's destiny is to peak in the "take the bad with the good" group (see #s 10-12), but we'll see.

14. Robert Griffin III
This is assuming he's 100% for 2013 obviously. Even then, I have a nagging feeling that it's always just a matter of time before he gets hurt again. His don't-give-a-shit recklessness is what makes him spectacular, but it's unsustainable, which is why I'd rather have...

13. Colin Kaepernick
He should and probably will eventually be ahead of the next group this year, but people forget he's only had 10 starts, despite what over-inflated gasbags like Ron Jaworski spew. If nothing else, you gotta love Kaepernick's tribute to Scott Steiner after every touchdown.

12. Matthew Stafford
11. Tony Romo
10. Jay Cutler
That's right -- Neil Lomax 2.0, Jim Everett 2.0 and Jeff George 2.0 are all top 12 quarterbacks in today's NFL. (Or is Romo closer to Drew Bledsoe and Stafford closer to Everett? Either way.) Here's my thing though: these guys can really look amazing at times, just like their predecessors. You just have to take the bad with the good, which admittedly is pretty bad sometimes. But I'm convinced the Bears/Cowboys/Lions can win with these guys at the helm. If anyone tells you they'd rather have Russell Wilson or Cam Newton over these guys, their NFL consumption likely consists of nothing but SportsCenter highlights and the RedZone Channel.

9. Joe Flacco
Ugh. Begrudgingly, I guess Flacco is a top 10 guy. I'm in the "Anquan Boldin and Dennis Pitta are way better than anyone realizes" camp but Flacco has proven he can deliver when it matters most. I'm verrrrrrrry interested to see how this year pans out for him -- he could either earn his way to becoming a top 5 guy, or free-fall out of the top 15.

8. Andrew Luck
Might be a bit high already, but seriously, would you honestly rather have Flacco, Cutler, Romo, a guy of that ilk over Luck, even for just 2013? No effing way. I love watching this dude play to the point that I'm not even pissed at the Colts for pulling a "1997 San Antonio Spurs" to get him. He's a once-in-a-generation player and will be the unanimous #1 within two or three years.

7. Matt Ryan
Here's where I lose 75% of my reading audience (or 3 out of the 4 people who will end up reading this somehow): the development of Matt Ryan has been really fun to watch in an old school way that reminds me of watching how a WWF mid-card guy used to be able to climb the ranks from tag teams, to the Intercontinental Title to eventually the WWF title. Ryan is in that "Bret Hart in his 2nd Intercontinental title reign" stage of his career and he's only getting better. I loved this article where he breaks down the final drive of the 2012 NFC Championship game. Great stuff there.

6. Drew Brees
5. Ben Roethlisberger
That's right, Big Fat Ben over Drew Brees, who I think is in the 1990s Dan Marino/Warren Moon part of his career. Did you know Brees is 34 already? That's not a criticism, just something that startled me. For me this boils down to "Who can do more with less," and I've always loved BEN's (ugh, thanks for instilling that habit, Al Michaels) ability to move around and make shit happen downfield and take a ton of punishment. He's the white Steve McNair, another player I used to love. Brees is still great obviously, and will put up Nintendo numbers again this year, but I'd rather have BEN.

4. Eli Manning
I feel really weird that I seem to be one of the only non-Giants fans that thinks Eli Manning is really effing good. He has that innate ability to play well despite who he's throwing to -- whether its Steve Smith, Kevin Boss, Domenik Hixon or Jeremy Shockey, all of which put up quality numbers with the Giants and totally fell off the face of the earth once they left. (I suspect the same will eventually pan out for Mario Manningham.) Everyone loves making fun of Eli, but Christ, what the hell else does he have to do? Besides not try to rap ever again.

3. Peyton Manning
2. Tom Brady
Brady just a hair over Peyton because of his ability to do more with less, which is kind of a thing with me I guess. I like when a QB can take a pile of crap WRs (in 2006, Brady was throwing to Reche Caldwell, Doug Gabriel, 99-year-old Troy Brown and a moldy sack of onions) and still have a pass offense worth respecting. Not to say Peyton isn't entirely capable of doing the same thing, and it's not Peyton's fault that he's had Harrison/Wayne/Clark and now Welker/Thomas/Decker, blah blah blah. The point is these two are just so close together that you have to split hairs to decide, but sadly Peyton's hair is disappearing faster than Ron Jaworski's mind. Gotta go hair > forehead here.

1. Tim Tebow
Hey, listen: it is a travesty -- a TRAVESTY -- that Tim Tebow has not gotten a fair shot at becoming a starter at the quarterback position in the National Hockey Lea-- I mean, the National Football League. Tebow ranks #1 in intangibles, he's a leader, he's gritty, gutty, and he just wins football games. End of story. Tebow has proven IN THIS LEAGUE, without a shadowofadoubt, he - is - a - winner. Period.


























































Sorry, I couldn't resist. The real #1, sadly...

1. Aaron Rodgers
He recently spoke of "semi-disappearing" after he retires. I'm assuming he said this while filming another twenty-five State Farm Insurance commercials that will air 9,000 times every weekend this season. But hey, he can have it both ways because he's the best in the game right now. (Dammit.)

Throwbacks: 1998 NFC Divisional Playoffs, Arizona at Minnesota

Pretty boring week Vikings-wise, so I thought I'd do a recap of a Vikings game from happier times -- specifically, the 1998 season. This is the Wild Card game on New Year's Day of 1999 against the Arizona Cardinals.

This game is coming to you TAPED from the Metrodome with your hosts Pat Summerall and John Madden!  Just hearing Summerall's voice puts a hop in my step.

Vikings receive the ball to start as Summerall introduces the starting offense. "This is the SECOND Randall Cunningham," he begins to say, but uh... doesn't finish his thought for some reason. Poor Pat was getting up there at this point. I think what he meant was this was a much different Cunningham than how he started his career.

Anyway, the rest of the lineup reads like a Pro-Bowl roster. Randall McDaniel. Jeff Christy. Korey Stringer.  Robert Smith. Randy Moss. Cris Carter. Jake Reed. Andrew Glover. David Palmer on 3rd downs. Leroy Hoard for short yardage.

Notice I left out Todd Steussie. The only time you heard him mentioned was when the referee called a false start, which is exactly what happens the 2nd play of the game. Yeah, when I think of the '98 season, this is one part I do not miss.

Vikings quickly get to 3rd and 6, where its noted that they are an insane 51% for converting third downs. A quick bit of research shows only the '99 Rams, '06 Colts and '11 Saints were better over an entire season since then. A big part of that percentage is David Palmer who catches one over the middle for an easy 1st. Seriously, Palmer was the most under appreciated part of this offense.



Two should-be Hall of Famers going head to head here, Randy Moss vs. Aeneas Williams. Cunningham hasn't looked once in his direction, instead getting the ball to Carter, Robert Smith and Leeee-royyyy HOAAAAARD (Summerall's enunciation) as the Vikings drive inside the Arizona 30. Madden takes the opportunity to go on about the offensive line.



"If you don't have these guys right here, if you don't have this group, then you can have all the Randy Mosses and Cris Carters and Robert Smiths and all the other guys you want, but it's academic. The first thing that happens is these guys have to block." Well said. Sure, Madden said that in every single game ever, about every o-line (he even said it in the video game), but it's still well said.



On 3rd and 1, Palmer lines up at QB with Cunningham wide left. OMG WILDCAT!~!~1!(#@(~! Palmer scampers for 10 yards to the right side, first down.

More Smith and Hoard lead the Vikings to 1st and Goal until Hoard pounds it in. "They make it look so simple, they get it done with such ease," says Summerall. Madden follows up, "This drive was surgery. The Minnesota Vikings just performed surgery on the Arizona Cardinals defense." Bear in mind, Moss didn't even get a look, let alone a throw in his direction. Neither did Jake Reed or Andrew Glover. Damned impressive.



Eric Metcalf (!) returns the ensuing kick to the 27. Adrian Murrell runs for -1, Jake Plummer is nearly picked off by Corey Fuller, 5 yard delay of game, incomplete to Frank Sanders. Not an inspiring start for Arizona.

Summerall says something curious, "Don't make too many gambles, Jake. They'll put this game out of reach in a hurry." I guarantee you if Joe Buck says something like that, people would be marching toward the booth with torches and pitchforks. It sounds like he's blatantly rooting for Arizona but I think he just knew the blowout potential here and wanted a competitive game.



Now, if there's any reason to root for Arizona, it's that guy.

Vikings get right back to work with Palmer under center again, and Madden goes nuts as Cunningham actually throws a block on the play.



Nobody makes a "Is that Randall Cunningham or Randall McDaniel out there?" joke, despite that Summerall called Cunningham "McDaniel" by accident that season at least twice a game. Meanwhile, here's how the Vikings offense has operated thus far:



15 plays, 15 different formations. Smith and Palmer continue to be the feature guys so far today as the offense rolls right along.... until ANOTHER Steussie false start (seriously, he had at least two a game, like clockwork), and offensive coordinator Brian Billick gets a little too cute by having fullback Charles Evans take a carry (???). Seriously Billick was great at calling plays but he got a little too up his own ass at times.

Meanwhile, center Jeff Christy does exactly what I'd love to do to Steussie a couple times:



Notice that love-tap did little to change Steussie's "DUHHHH" expression. Of course Madden absolutely loves this. "WHAP!"

The first quarter ends with the Vikings 1st and Goal, and the Cardinals offense only seeing the field for 54 seconds. Sadly, just as I'm about to point out Moss hasn't been involved yet, Cunningham opens the 2nd quarter by forcing Moss' way and is picked off by Williams, running it back 40 yards.



Smart read by Williams, not much effort by Moss (surprise, surprise), and a terrible, Mark-Sanchez type decision from Cunningham. That's what it looks like to force it to someone.

Thankfully for the Vikings, Jake Plummer and the Cards offense is a disaster, only able to move the ball via dubious pass interference and off-sides penalties. Robert Griffith picks off an errant Plummer pass to get the Vikes' offense back on the field and promptly throw deep to Randy Moss, who blatantly pushes Williams out of the way to go up and grab it.



Now THAT'S how you're supposed to force a ball to Moss. However...



Today, a shove that blatant is getting called 99 out of 100 times, but back then, go ahead and backhand the guy out of the way. Madden takes this opportunity to say "dawg" four different times. "Just chuck it deep dawg and I'll go get it."

Three plays later, Andrew Glover catches a pass in the end zone on a post route, 14-0 Vikings. Summerall: "We haven't mentioned him yet." Madden: "Naw, we haven't gotten to him yet!" Good lord, they made it look so easy.



Jake Plummer immediately follows that up with a ghastly interception straight to Robert Griffith, his 2nd of the game. Plummer overthrew Frank Sanders by about five yards.



His expression is Cutler-esque. Anyway, Smith runs for 8, Andre Wadsworth (remember him?) bats down a pass, Cunningham takes a sack, so Gary Anderson hits a field goal (remember when he was able to do that?) and all of a sudden it's 17-0 with 11 minutes left in the first half. Dominance.

Arizona finally calms the hell down and gets some momentum on offense, picking up a first down on a nice 3rd and 3 fade to Rob Moore. The Vikes defense helps them out with two offsides penalties in a row giving the Cards the ball inside the Vikings 25. Plummer gets Frank Sanders and Larry Centers involved on a couple crossing routes, leading to an obvious Corey Fuller pass interference call in the end zone. Vikings defense makes a nice goal line stand, until who else but Dwayne Rudd (hello, any Browns fans reading this) gets called for roughing the passer on 4th down. Dumb penalties plus zero pass-rush equals a Vikings defense that looks lackluster. Cards take advantage as Mario Bates runs it in from 1 yard out for a touchdown. 17-7 Vikings.

Thank god for the Vikings offense. They respond immediately with Smith tearing through the middle for 32 yards.



Arizona sticks to the nickel defense, so the Vikings continue to run it up the middle with Smith and HOAAARRRD despite there being less than 2 minutes left in the half. 32 seconds left, Cunningham scrambles to buy time, finds HOOOOAAARD in the flat who sneaks it over the pylon to make it 24-7 at the half. 8 plays, 74 yards, easy peasy.

Mitch Berger kicks off which allows Madden to tell the "He keeps a Snickers in his shoe" bit for what had to be the 400th time that season.



We get this exchange:

Madden: "Of all the guys I've coached, anytime that a guy would have a candy bar like that, someone else would eat it. I don't know why the other players leave him alone."
Summerall: "Because it's in his shoe!"
Madden: "Yeah, but it's wrapped! I'd eat a candy bar out of a shoe."

That, folks, is one small example of why they were the greatest announcers of all time. Anyway, we've reached halftime, here's the stats:



The 2nd half starts with Murrell driving Arizona inside the Vikings 30, where Plummer makes a really nice play on third down completing a crazy pass behind him to Moore for a big gain. The Vikes defense allows another TD to Bates on 4th and goal from the 1 to make it 24-14.

No big deal. David Palmer returns the ensuing kick all the way to the 44, and a flea-flicker to Cris Carter has the Vikings inside the Arizona 5, just like that. They can't seal the deal and settle for a field goal but the point remains: the defense was almost irrelevant. It's really amazing to watch. Yes, yes we all know how it ended, but I think people really get lost in that and forget how unstoppable this offense really was.

In fact just to give a better idea, I'm going to try and piece together a modern equivalent of a roster like this to better get the point across to how loaded this team was:

The offensive line is similar to the line the Vikings had just a few years ago when Matt Birk was still around. Both had serviceable but overrated LTs (Steussie and McKinnie), All-World LGs (McDaniel and Hutchinson), occasional All-Pro centers (Christy and Birk) and solid RGs (Dixon and Herrera).  The only comparison that wouldn't fit is Korey Stringer, who was head and shoulders above any other RT the Vikings have had since. He was closer to a David Stewart type from the Titans.

Cunningham's 2013 contemporary -- Stylistically they're very different but imagine if Phil Rivers, who is in the process of crashing and burning in San Diego just as Cunningham did in Philly, quietly went to the Vikings as a backup and totally re-invigorated himself while retooling how he plays.

Robert Smith -- Trouble with injuries off and on, very fast, dual threat out of the backfield, under-appreciated on a national level. Sounds like Matt Forte.

Leroy Hoard -- "If you need one yard, I'll get ya three yards. If you need five yards, I'll get ya three yards." The perfect compliment to Smith. But I can't really think of a modern guy like this. I'd say maybe Brandon Jacobs but he was gigantic. Hoard was 5'11". Michael Bush is the best I can think of, but Hoard was much better than that guy.

Randy Moss -- Who the hell do you compare Randy Moss to? I would guess the closest comparison to his size/speed combo nowadays is Calvin Johnson, but still, there's only one Randy Moss.

Cris Carter -- The best possible #2 receiver you could ask for. Hall of Fame hands, been around the block, always seems to get open somehow. Sounds like Reggie Wayne.

Andrew Glover -- A ginormous dude who compares to Martellus Bennett, only not an idiot.

Jake Reed -- The forgotten man of Three Deep had four straight 1000 yard seasons coming into 1998 before only catching 34 passes for 474 yards in 11 games. Tall guy with deceptive speed and good hands who would've been at least a #2 wideout on any other team. He had comparable size and stats (right down to the occasional injury) to Marques Colston before Moss showed up.

Anyway, back to the game, which is a mere formality at this point. CB Jimmy Hitchcock drops an easy pick-6 from Plummer, who refuses to give up on turning it over by dropping a snap. Vikings recover, touchdown Randy Moss, 34-14. Ho hum. Moss' 8th straight game with a touchdown catch.



The rest of the game is rinse and repeat: Vikings defense bends and bends, giving up the occasional score, Arizona has the occasional bumble, and the Vikes offense controls the game, with the exception of a punt, their first of the game 14:51 of the 4th.

Other highlights: Summerall calling Eric Metcalf "Terry," his dad, to which Madden quips, "Well, Terry was in the league the last time the Cards were in the playoffs." Also, Madden describing the Metrodome as "kind of a dull place" up until '98, as well as saying Jake Plummer "will be a superstar in this league."

The Vikes give up another score (Bates scored all three Cards TDs, nice bit of trivia there), Leroy Hoard pounds in another, and the final score ends up being 41-21, an exercise of dominance by the Vikings offense.

The point of this is just a friendly reminder: 1998 wasn't just one game, and you know which one I'm referring to. The rest of that season was pretty damned amazing and it shouldn't be ignored, especially this game.

This Scenario Is Exactly Why It's So Hard To Be A Vikings Fan

It's so incredibly tempting sometimes. It really is. It was in 1987 before I knew any better. It was in 1998 before I dove into a swimming pool full of thumbtacks. It was in 2000 before they backed into the playoffs in embarrassing fashion. It was in 2003 before Nate friggin Poole (and Mike friggin Tice). It was in 2009 before Favre Favre'd us.

I really want to buy into the "This Could Be The Year!" mentality.  It sounds like fun, fans of other teams get to do it all the time. But I've been burned way too often. Wayyyyy too often. I save that mindset like a bottle of especially pricey scotch. You don't just bust it out recklessly. You study the landscape and you pick your spots.

Notice I didn't put 2008 on that list in the first paragraph? We all knew better. I take pride that most Vikings fans realized that was a lame duck team that barely beat anyone all year. The combined record of the teams they beat were something like 69-91. Their best win was on a last second field goal to beat the 12-4 Giants who were resting their starters. There was zero reason to put any faith in Tarvaris Jackson or Brad Childress.

This led to the outcry against Vikings fans for failing to sell out a playoff game against the Eagles at the Metrodome. The tickets might as well have said, "Come get kicked in the balls as the Vikings get predictably embarrassed on national TV! AGAIN!" Sure enough, that's what happened, and I can't say I blame anyone for not showing up.

Vikings fans are smart like that. We're like my dog Clyde, who loves being outside on a walk more than anything in the world. But if it's too cold, you can open the door right in front of him, and he'll look at you like, "How dumb do you think I am? I'm not going out in that."

The door is being opened again for Vikings fans, and it's pretty damn cold, again. But...

They can rush the passer. They can tackle. They have legit players in the secondary. They have a guy named Harrison Smith at safety who beats the shit out of people, who's the best they've had since Robert friggin Griffith in the 90s.

Special teams are as good as they've been in decades. They have a guy who makes 50+ yard field goals like he's playing Pop-a-Shot with his feet. They even have a competent, reliable punt returner.

They have a steady head coach who knows exactly what to do in any given situation. They don't friviously waste time outs or challenges. They don't have a lot of stupid penalties. In fact, the stupid penalties they have are of the unnecessary roughness ilk that send a message.

They have a fantastic run-blocking offensive line. They have the best left tackle in the NFC and he's a rookie.

And they have Adrian Peterson.

That's a lot of positives, right? Do I dive right in? Do I emotionally invest? Do I eat all that up with a spoon like purple and gold Haagen Daas? Of course not!!!

There's also a guy named Christian Ponder who plays the quarterback position in the National Football League for this Minnesota Vikings football team. (Just try reading that sentence without hearing it in Mark Schlereth's voice.) He makes decisions with the football that remind me of the scene in Naked Gun 2 1/2 where OJ is about to spike a baby like a football. "Wait, wait, WAIT... NOOOOO!!!" He is often painful to watch.

But there was a period of 4 weeks earlier this year when he looked perfectly okay. Not great, not even above average, just okay. That's not unreasonable, right? For him to play okay? To not make catastrophically bad throws? To not suddenly drop the ball on a scramble?

And there's some athletic talent in the receiving core. Jerome Simpson could maybe flip over someone. Kyle Rudolph has good hands. Devin Aromashodu is kinda fast sometimes. Jarius Wright is good for like one swing pass. Michael Jenkins is tall. John Carlson is um... there. Is it unreasonable to imagine just ONE of those guys making some kind of difference on Sunday?

The real answer to that is yes. It is unreasonable to ask for that, it's unreasonable to ask for Ponder to play an average game, and it's unreasonable to ask for optimism. We are Vikings fans and this is how it works.

Now it you'll excuse me, I have go to drag my dog out into the sub-zero temperatures...

1,700 Words On Two Old Video Games

Look up the opera scene in Final Fantasy VI on YouTube and you'll find comments like, "One of the most touching moments in video game history," “Such an iconic scene,” “I had tears in my eyes,” etcetera etcetera. I have one question for those people: Why?

Here's exactly how this scene comes about -- our heroes need to find a way to get to the Evil Empire. They decide to seek out this rich dude (Setzer) who owns the only airship in the world. They find him at this operahouse wooing some broad named Maria, who's playing the lead that night's show, and plans to kidnap her so they can elope (or something). Some villain conspires to mess things up for some unexplained reason. To protect her, you switch Maria out for Celes, a sorceress in your party to happens to look almost exactly like her. Celes agrees to perform opera accordingly and does so.

It's strange because the opera seems like it should be this big sweeping emotional moment (the music is undeniably fantastic), but it's not at all. The words behind what she's singing have no meaning. She's merely filling a role. She's not singing about anyone but the character in the opera. There's not even any read-between-the-lines meaning anywhere. In fact the entire scene isn't significant in the slightest to the main storyline.

Now, I will give credit where credit is due: this game shows the right way to do quick-time events, particularly here. You fight your way to the villain up in the rafters while the show continues below. While Celes is singing the opera, you have to make sure you select the right lines or you'll get booted out. Also it has to be mentioned again that the music here is fan-freaking-tastic. So at least there's that.

But otherwise, this scene is the perfect demonstration of how impressive this game can be to the point of self-indulgence. The scene is amazing on the surface, the music is as good as it gets, but it doesn't mean anything. It's just there because some developer thought, “Wouldn’t it be CRAZY if we had an opera scene? That’s unheard of!” It’s there for the sake of being there.

And that basically explains the point of the entire game. The story is gigantic – the depth in the narrative makes Chrono Trigger seem like an episode of DuckTales – and would definitely benefit from some editing, a more concise direction and something resembling a main character (Terra and Locke come the closest, but Terra isn’t even playable for a big chunk of the game and Locke is almost useless in battles), but I get the feeling the developers did not give a damn. It’s huge for the sake of being huge. There are many, many playable characters for the sake of having many, many playable characters. And so on.

Another inherent problem with having such a massive story is the minimal amount of effect that you as a player have. The way the game lets the narrative unfold essentially deems the player as nothing more than a gopher. All you’re doing is running your party from one long story sequence to the next (with a few battles in between of course). The game basically encourages you to do this too, by switching up your party as often as possible so you can see every scene. Sometimes it was pretty tiring and frustrating as you’re sitting there reading forever and waiting to actually do something. There’s too much out of the player’s control.

Don’t get me wrong, a huge part of what makes Final Fantasy VI unique is the narrative - there aren’t many other games on the SNES that had me playing for hours just to see what happened next. It has one of the all-time great video game villains in Kefka, who is truly one screwed up character. There are just as many laugh out loud moments (when you meet Gau, random Kefka stuff) as sappy moments (could they lay it on any thicker with Cyan’s backstory?), and some of it works and some of it doesn’t, but it has a very satisfying ending.

The battle system is incredibly detailed featuring all sorts of cool stuff like customizable magic, formations, relics, special abilities (one character has you input sequence of Street-Fighter style commands to execute attacks, another has a weird set of tools to choose from, another steals things, etc), not to mention tons of items and equipment. It’s extremely well done, holds up over time really well and is by far the most enjoyable part of the game. On the surface, it’s the best battle system for any RPG on the SNES.

My only criticism of the battle system is that it isn’t very balanced. The game really encourages you employ all sorts of tactical maneuvering with formations and equipment and whatever, but guys like Sabin, Edgar and Cyan are so powerful you can wipe out any enemy with the same attacks over and over regardless of what else you do. Compare this to Chrono Trigger or the Lufia series where the enemies match your increasing experience and abilities stride for stride, and the battles remain difficult without becoming frustrating. As fun as the battle system is for FF6, I never once felt I was in danger of even coming close to losing. All of the strategy seems like it’s for naught.

[Random aside: I completely understand how someone could become obsessed with this game. There’s an overwhelming amount of special abilities you can obtain for certain characters, there’s collecting all the espers, there’s having each character learn every spell from each esper, plus there’s stuff like the Colosseum, an ingenious idea where you can bet items on battles to win better items that are otherwise unobtainable. The OCD-collector gamer type would be in hog heaven here.]

Ultimately I’ll remember Final Fantasy VI for its wealth of creativity in battles, the incredible soundtrack (second to only Super Castlevania IV on the SNES) and its huge story, but I’ll also remember it all feeling kind of hollow. It’s merely an exhibition in game design, albeit an impressive one. 

* * *

Now, the underlying genius of Chrono Trigger is how balanced it is in every aspect of the game. The enemies are never too easy or never too tough or unfair and there’s no need to level-grind at any point. As you level up, gain experience and learn spells, the enemies match your strength. The boss fights are perfectly done - each one feels like an event. Not like Final Fantasy 6 which more often than not seemed to say, “Welp, here’s another boss for ya,” out of nowhere. Magus, Black Tyrano and Lavos in particular are really built up as big deals. I really like in particular how you have to take out Magus’ underlings (Slash, Flea and Ozzie) before you face him.

One of the best things about Chrono Trigger is how it gains momentum the more you play it. By that I mean the fact that not once is there a “Now what do I do?” moment. Even after the game splits off into several different side-quests, it remains very straight-forward telling you what to accomplish. Again, balance is the key word here, balance between linear and open-ended storytelling.

Instead of accumulating just strength and experience points like most RPGs, CT rewards you with combo attacks with your teammates. Some of these are flat out awesome and powerful as hell, like Ice Sword 2, Falcon Arrow, Delta Force and Arc Impulse [or what I refer to as Finnish Flag Attack] while some are laugh out loud funny like Poyozo Dance, which is this spastic nonsensical spell involving a stuffed animal, or Frog Flare, a giant exploding frog which looks like something out of Monty Python. Accumulating these attacks is fun as hell, and it keeps the momentum of the game going.

It also contains one of the most ingenious inventions in gaming, the "New Game +" option. After you finish the game, you can go back in time as often as you'd like with the same stats, gear and weapons and try beating the game from a different point in the timeline. There are 11 different endings you can achieve (most of them are well worth it, especially the one with messages from the development crew - “Get a life!”) which puts the replay value through the roof.

The characters themselves are a strange dynamic group, all distinctly different, some cliched and some not (at least not yet): our silent hero, the runaway princess, the nerdy tech-geek, the robot, the cavewoman, the talking frog and in a neat twist you can play as one of the main villains for a good chunk of the game. Each character has at least a couple laugh-out-loud moments, even the ultra-serious Magus. (“You got whacked cuz you're weak.”)

[Brief aside: one strange bit of trivia about this game - the developers gave the English translators exactly 30 days to translate the entire game. Because they were crunched for time, some of the translators were pretty slack so we ended up with lines like that. They “fixed” that in the DS version by doing a more direct translation and as a result most of the humor was missing.]

One particular aspect I don't think can be overstated is the main villain, Lavos. Rarely in a game, especially in an RPG, does a boss actually come across as invincible. Lavos is like the Terminator: it barely says anything, you can't reason with it, it can't be stopped, it won't be stopped until you are dead and everything is destroyed. And by the way, it lives in the center of the Earth draining its life for all its worth. The final battle music is absolutely perfect and gives me chills to this day, and I've finished this game at least 25 times.

CT was released very late in Super Nintendo's run, allowing programmers to maximize everything the SNES hardware was capable of, and damned if they didn't succeed in doing that. This is about as technically advanced, in terms of overall length, visuals and sound, as any SNES game gets.

Chrono Trigger is truly the total package: It's got a great sense of humor. It's never boring - you never truly know what's going to happen next. There's a crazy amount of depth in both the story and with items/gear. There’s tons of replay value. The music is top notch, with memorable themes created for each major character and for certain events of the game. All those factors add up to this: Chrono Trigger best game the SNES has ever produced.

Vikings vs. Running Quarterbacks

Bob Griffin III is hardly the first guy to do this against the Vikings...



 In fact it seems like every notable "running quarterback" has had a field day against the Vikings at one point or another. There's the infamous Michael Vick overtime run, where Corey Chavous takes out Greg Biekert...



There's Steve Young making an improbable run against a very good Vikings defense under 2 minutes...



But we're not done yet! Guess who else had a 40+ yard touchdown scramble? If I gave you 100 guesses, would one of them be Vinny Testaverde? Probably not, but it happened. Skip to 3:14.

Change of Pace

Like any other Vikings fan who's lived through 1987, 1998, 2000, 2003 and 2009, I tend to dwell on the negative. I've always maintained that I've written on this blog because I HAD to, for myself. I've even resorted to seeking out painful losses I didn't remember seeing as a kid. It's not easy rooting for this crap franchise.

In fact, ask any Vikings fan their favorite win ever. Anyone over 45 would probably say one of the NFC Championship wins over the Rams in the 70s. Anyone around 25-30 would probably say the 1998 MNF game at Lambeau. But the sad reality is that it's so much easier to rattle off the 8 or 9 worst losses you've seen than even five memorable wins. I even did it myself, it took probably less than an hour to write this column here.

Thanks to YouTube, I've remembered that there are a lot more fun wins over the years than I realized. Here's a few I could find on YouTube, the best last second or overtime wins in Vikings history...

[NOTE: I'm not including Ryan Longwell's game winning field goal to beat the Giants' second string team putting a lame-duck Vikings team in the playoffs in 2008. We can do better than that.]

7. Week 11, 2005 - Vikings 20, Green Bay Packers 17
6. Week 7, 2005 - Vikings 23, Green Bay Packers 20


The video flip-phone quality, but Paul Edinger once upon a time was probably the best kicker from 50+ yards the NFL had seen in a long long time. He hit 56 and 27 yard field goals, both with time expiring, to beat the Packers twice in 2005. Okay, the Packers were awful and finished 4-12 that year, but still.

5. Week 11, 1987 - Vikings 44, Dallas Cowboys 38 OT


The Cowboys weren't very good in the late 80s, but beating them on the road on Thanksgiving Day was still a big deal. Darrin Nelson blows past the Cowboys defense to win in overtime. Plus how do you not love classic Pat Summerall screwing up Nelson's name at 1:45? "DARRYL... DARRIN NELSON..."

4. Week 14, 1994 - Vikings 33, Chicago Bears 27


All he does? Catch touchdowns. A huge late season win over Wannstache's Bears that ended a three-game losing streak. That '94 team was a lot of fun.

3. Week 3, 2009 - Vikings 27, San Francisco 49ers 24


I never liked Brett Favre, but I'll be damned if this wasn't freaking awesome. Greg Lewis doesn't get enough credit for that catch.

2. 1997 NFC Wildcard - Vikings 23, New York Giants 22


Unfortunately this video doesn't include Jake Reed barely getting his foot down in bounds for a TD in the back of the end zone with less than 2 minutes left. It doesn't show the Vikings recovering an onside kick (when does that EVER happen???) either. But it does show an impressive Randall Cunningham-led drive for the winning field goal, as well as Denny Green calling a Robert Smith draw play that actually worked.

This was Denny's first playoff win and inspired many to envision a repeat of 10 years previous where the Vikings upset the Niners in San Francisco in the Divisional round. Didn't happen, but this was a lot of fun while it lasted. This sort of stuff never ever ever happened to the Vikings.

1. Week 15, 1980 - Vikings 28, Cleveland Browns 23

 

I was born in '82, so this one was before my time. That doesn't make it any less astounding to watch. A whopping fourteen seconds, a mere 80 yards, the division title on the line. No problem for Tommy Kramer and Ahmad Rashad. (Yes, that Ahmad Rashad.)

Throwbacks: 1990 Week 6 Monday Night Football, Minnesota at Philadelphia

I discovered the other day that some guy uploaded this gem to YouTube: a Monday Night Football game from 1990 featuring your Minnesota Vikings playing at the wretched Veterans Stadium to face the Philadelphia Eagles. It's been a while since I've done a running diary sort of a thing to a game, so what the hell. It's smack dab in the Herschel Walker era so I figured it would at least be a bit insightful.

The intro profiles Walker and Randall Cunningham. Kind of funny how it was Cunningham who became the difference maker the Vikes desperately needed, only years later.

Dig those graphics! “On ABC's Mon-deeeee Night Football!”

Your broadcast team is Al Michaels, Frank Gifford and Dan Dierdorf. Brief aside: considering Michaels and Dierdorf have been around seemingly forever, you don't notice the changes in their voices in real-time over the years. But going back and listening to them in 1990 is strange. They both sound spritely and energetic. You know, like they're younger or something. It's a bit jarring.

Gifford begins by detailing the Vikings' problems so far this season: starting quarterback Wade Wilson out with a torn ligament in his thumb, last year's Defensive Player of the Year Keith Millard is out for the year (didn't say the injury) and Vikings GM Mike Lynn (BOOOOOO!!!) had just left the team to become... of all things... the president of the prestigious World League of American Football (WLAF, which would no doubt be referred to as WLOL had it happened today), a position in which he lasted exactly 10 months. But hey, he got his own football card.

Now if that's not the most punchable face you've ever seen, I don't know what to tell you.

Anyway, the point is the Vikings are 1-3 and not very good right now. But the Eagles are also 1-3, losing their three games by a combined 9 points. Meanwhile, Al Michaels is gracious enough to point out that the Vikings are 8-9 since the Herschel trade including last year's playoff loss to the Niners. Thanks, Al.

Speaking of Herschel, he returns the opening kickoff to the 16. Wade's replacement, a very young Rich Gannon, starts things off by overthrowing a wide open tight end Steve Jordan off playaction. Yikes.

That's followed by a RB Rick Fenney run of 4 yards and a Gannon sack-fumble recovered by the Eagles. It should be noted that the Eagles defensive line is monsterous, featuring Reggie White, Jerome Brown and Clyde Simmons. RT Tim Irwin just got dominated by Reggie leading to the fumble. Godawful start to say the least.

Gifford notes that WR Anthony Carter, by far the Vikings best skill position player, has been bothered by a pulled hamstring and is questionable to play. He's being replaced by some guy named Cris Carter. Hmmmm...

The Eagles take over at the Vikings 20, but thankfully the Vikings defense is also pretty effing good. Cunningham scrambles for 7, then throws the ball away after getting decked by LB Mike Merriweather, followed by a botched option play by RB Keith Byars disrupted by DE Chris Doleman. Eagles kick a quick FG to make it 3-0.

Kickoff to Herschel again who runs straight into a defender. Not just any defender. A big slow lineman wearing #95.

Good God man, what the hell? You can't even kind of fake out a guy in the open field? Cut back? Break a tackle? Anything? Just awful.

The Vikings take advantage of that scintilating return by having Gannon overthrow Fenney in the flat and running Fenney up the middle for 3 yards. Now, just in case you're younger and weren't around for this era, you might be wondering: Why are they bothering with Rick freaking Fenney's consistent mediocrity when they gave up so much to get Herschel Walker? The answer: I don't know. Nobody knows. There is no answer.

WR Hassan Jones drops a wide open 3^rd down pass (in fairness, it was a lousy throw) and the Vikings punt. Eagles ball at their own 42, where CB Carl Lee is flagged for a completely bogus pass interference call on 3^rd down.

Dierdorf: “That's a tight call...” Gifford: “Pro-Bowl coverage by Carl Lee.”

Eagles ball at the 25, earning a 1^st down on a 15 yard scramble by Cunningham before getting handed a touchdown by the refs. WR Calvin Williams caught an over-the-shoulder fade over Lee (who had perfect coverage) and came down out of bounds.

They had instant replay back then, but the call for some reason was not overturned. Michaels: “It what? A horrible call by the replay booth.” Man, you don't hear that kind of candor these days. Vikings block the extra point after a fumbled snap to make the score 9-0.

The officials contend that Lee pushed Williams out of bounds as he was catching it. The rules back then dictated that would've been scored a touchdown. Two problems with that: 1, Lee barely touched him and 2, Williams didn't have possession as he was getting his feet down. Dierdorf: “I think we'll just catagorize that as a pretty good break for the Eagles.” What a pile of horseshit.

Another kickoff to Herschel and he miraculously manages to get by the first couple guys to get all the way to the 37. Vikings get their first big play – 15 yard catch by Jordan with a 15 yard facemask penalty tacked on. Then comes a flea-flicker to Herschel (who hadn't had a touch in the game yet) and a bomb to a wide open Cris Carter for the touchdown. Woo hoo!

Fantastic call and two huge plays to stay in this thing. Weird to see Carter with sleeves, by the way. The immortal Donald Igwebuike kicks the extra point to cut the lead to 9-7, 5:22 left in the 1^st quarter.

The Vikings' defensive line, mainly Doleman, Al Noga and Henry Thomas, harrass Cunningham into a three-and-out. We get a get a funny/interesting graphic on punt returner Leo Lewis:

“[Lewis] delivers with one of his specialties,” Michaels snidely remarks as Lewis calls for another fair catch. That's why I love watching this old stuff.

More referee bullshit: Gannon scrambles to the sideline on 2^nd down, SS Ben Smith drags him down with a facemask and drives him into the ground a good 5 yards out of bounds. The call: 5 yard facemask at the end of the run. Uhhhhh, okay. There have been about 10 penalties between both teams, by the way.

The drive ends in another Gannon sack. Three possessions and Herschel Walker does not have a carry or a catch yet. Rick Fenney has 6 touches. Whyyyyy????

Enusing drive for Philly – third down pass is tipped and picked off by Merriweather! Unfortunately he steps out of bounds on the return at the 10 yard line. Herschel gets his first carry here.... and he promptly fumbles, recovered by Jerome Brown. Oh for fuck's sake. That is finally the end of a looonng 1^st quarter.

SS Joey Browner levels TE Keith Jackson on a 1^st down catch, and I have to point out how badass Browner's facemask is:

Vikings D forces a punt. Their secondary was really, really good back then. Every single pass is contested, nobody is open, everyone is super aggressive and playing up at the line of scrimmage. Not something you were likely to see in the days of Asher Allen, Cedric Griffin and Bennie Sapp.

Next Vikings possession: someone needs to tell Jerry Burns the trap play doesn't work anymore. This Eagles D-line is just way too quick. Rick Fenney is still getting most of the carries, which is pretty funny considering the broadcast team is going on and on about Herschel. He finally does haul in a catch on 3^rd and 1 for a first down.

The Vikes dink and dunk their way down the field, the highlight being an 11 yard catch by Steve Jordan who levels SS Andre Waters on his way to the 9 yard line. Fenney plows in for the touchdown on 3^rd and goal. Vikings rally back from down 9-0 to take a 14-9 lead, with negligible impact from Herschel. Good stuff.

Eagles punt on their next drive thanks to the killer Vikings secondary blanketing everybody. First play for the Vikings' next drive: dump off pass to Herschel who scampers for 8 more yards... and fumbles. But wait! The refs say he was down by contact. Um....

As you can see, the ball was in the air before he hit the ground. Break for the Vikings but the officiating has been horrendous so far for both teams. Big “bullshit” chant from the crowd and rightfully so.

Two plays later, Gannon goes deep and Cris Carter is alone! 78 yards for the touchdown!! 21-9 Vikings! A huuuuuge coming out party for Carter on the national stage against his former team.

Quick look at how the Vikings D has taken control after giving up the early TD:

Eagles punt again after three straight penalties totaling 25 yards. The fans are not pleased:

The next few plays feature three fumbles and three more penalties. “This looks like a game in July,” Michaels says. “Go to the locker room, guys. Seriously,” adds Dierdorf. Sure glad I picked this one to recap. Mercifully we've reached halftime. 21-9 Vikings.

Eagles receive to start the 2^nd half and roll right down the field led by two 10+ yard Cunningham scrambles on 3^rd down. The drive stalls out (again thanks to fantastic downfield coverage), Eagles kick a field goal to make it 21-12.

Ensuing kickoff to Herschel Walker, and he wastes no time in coughing up fumble number three (two officially) by muffing the kick. Who the hell even does that?!? When's the last time you saw someone muff a freaking kickoff? Eagles recover at the 15.

Thankfully the Vikings defense comes to the rescue again. Three plays and the Eagles kick another field goal to make it 21-15.

Herschel somehow returns the kickoff to the 20, and two plays later takes a toss left for a whopping two yards. He looks slow and goes down after the first defender even breathes on him. Meanwhile on 3^rd and long, Gannon scrambles around and heaves a prayer to Cris Carter between three Eagles defenders. It's picked off by Wes Hopkins.

Some good news: next two plays, Doleman shows off how scary fast he is by chasing down Cunningham for two straight sacks. What a beast.

Eagles punt so the INT doesn't hurt the Vikes too badly. On 1^st down Carter catches a slant across the middle for 12. Here's his numbers so far:

Vikings then go incomplete to Fenney, 3 yard pass to Jordan, 6 yard pass to Hassan Jones to come up one yard short of the first, but a break for the Vikings: the idiot Eagles returner tries to field the punt on a bounce and it careems off his chest into a Viking. 1^st and goal at the 8.

Next three plays: 7 step drop sack, handoff to Fenney for 2 yards, false start (end of the 3^rd quarter), and another prayer to Carter that he just baaaaarely misses. Um, this might be pass interference considering the defender didn't bother turning around to look for the ball...

“Is that not pass interference?” asks Dierdorf. “It was in the first quarter,” replies Gifford. Vikings get three out of it and still lead 24-15.

Eagles take over and immediately go three-and-out, much to the crowd's disdain. Vikings ball at their own 36. 13 minutes left in the 4^th. Vikings get a couple first downs, including a painfully unathletic dive by Rich Gannon...

Wow, he might be a whole 2-3 inches off the ground there. Meanwhile, Al Michaels marvels over the fact that this guy has been on the sidelines the last two series...

Yes that's right, trade 5 players and practically 3 entire drafts so this guy can stand around on the sideline when the Vikings should be pounding the ball and running the clock right now. 3 carries for 3 yards so far. A Gannon sack on 3^rd down forces the Vikings to punt with just under 10 minutes left. Impressively, Gannon has outplayed Cunningham thus far...

A Cunningham scramble leads to a 3^rd and 1... and the Vikings D holds! Vikings ball at their own 39 with just under 8 minutes left, leading by 9. Things are looking up, right?

Not for long. That's when things get weird. Three straight pass calls lead to two scrambles out of bounds by Gannon (including one where Andre Waters dives at his knees, setting off Dierdorf: “He is the biggest cheap shot artist in the league.”) and one overthrow of a wide open Leo Lewis. Um, okay. Eagles ball at the 21.

Vikings force a 4^th and 2. Ballgame right here.... but Joey Browner is called for holding TE Keith Jackson. Oh for fuck's sake. Eagles take advantage by dinking and dunking their way downfield led by Keith Byars, before a completely insane Cunningham pass bounces off three different players landing softly in WR Fred Barnett's hands for an easy walk-in TD. Unreal. 24-22 Vikings. 4 minutes to go.

This exchange is incredible:

Michaels: “This is the type of situation where you want a Herschel Walker to use up the clock and keep the ball on the ground.”

Dierdorf: “Is Walker headed to the huddle or the sidelines?”

Gifford: “He's headed to the sidelines.”

Two plays later, Gannon is stripped of the ball going back to pass (?!?!?) and the Clyde Simmons recovers. 1^st and goal Philly. That's the fifth Vikings turnover. Are the Vikings seriously about to lose this game? 20 years later I can hear Vikings fans screaming at offensive coordinator Bob Schnelker. What the hell are they doing passing there? Why is Herschel not in the game? Cue Jerry Burns...

RB Andrew Toney goes straight up the middle for the go-ahead touchdown. 29-24 Eagles.

Two plays later, Gannon telegraphs a pass that's picked off easily by CB William Frazell. Eagles kick another FG to make it 32-24.

Herschel receives the kickoff and runs into the back of his own guy and falls over. Seriously, that's what happened.

Hard to tell from that screenshot, but there are literally no other defenders even near him. And he runs into his own guy. That picture sums up the Herschel Walker Era in Minnesota.

The Vikings meekly turn the ball over on downs, the Eagles take a knee, and suddenly that's it. Eagles win.

A true Vikings loss through and through that leaves you feeling gutted and a vague sense of, “What in the blue hell just happened?” That was one of the most strange out-of-nowhere turnarounds I can ever remember seeing. What a collapse.

Still, this was an interesting look at actual evidence of the Herschel Walker trade coming apart at the seams. It's kind of shocking to watch everything unravel in real-time. Watching him play as badly as he did knowing what the Vikings gave up for him was almost like watching a snuff film or something. Then for him to not even see the field when they need to grind the clock... I mean, that's exactly why they gave up so much to get him... and he's not even in the game... I don't... I... what... who... where am I...

Until next time, when hopefully I'll be recapping a more fun game...