The Most ELECTRFYING Head Coach in the NFL!!

The Pioneer Press's Sean Jensen and Rick Alonzo recently sat down with Vikings' head coach Brad Childress for an EXCLUSIVE hard-hitting life-alteringly insightful interview. As a result, I couldn't help myself in riffing on Childress's painfully generic answers. My hilariously hilarious har har snarky remarks are in bold. I cherry-picked some of the better "answers". The entire interview can be read HERE.

Q: On a personal note, not to do with football, what was a highlight of your offseason? Was there anything fun you did?

A: I caught a fish this past week, a goliath grouper. I don't ever fish. Sixty-five pounds off of Marco Island in Florida.

"So to answer your question, no."

Q: Tarvaris worked with trainer Tom Shaw the past few weeks in Florida. Shaw was saying what really jumped out about Tarvaris was his leadership. What impressed you about Tarvaris this offseason?

A: I think the thing is it's very easy to get bored by the mundane aspects of the job, punching the time card, coming in, spending the time that you need to spend in the weight room when you could be running around everywhere doing anything. It's kind of like marriage. Every day is not your wedding day. Everything is not wedded bliss. There's wet diapers, there's crying at night.

There's going to be some great moments, but there's days that are just days, and you still have to log those, too. I just think his diligence in terms of being here, leading by example, and of course, getting the guys organized and leading on the field. Our offseason stuff, some of that, we're out there to supervise; some of that other stuff, he's taken the leadership business.

I know he has Bernard Berrian down there a little bit with him throwing. I think that's a great thing. Some of the other guys have checked in and out. I can't tell you there's like a 'wow' moment, but just the fact that he's building that equity.

He shows up for work. He's on time. He brings his own lunch. He has two arms, and he also has two legs. Seriously, what the hell kind of an answer is this? He gives him credit for "building equity"? This answer is not helping me build equity with my brain.

Q: Do you get a sense that he's kind of empowered by his growth over the past year and his teammates' increased confidence in him?

A: Yeah, I see that growth in confidence because he's felt himself

Ewww.

and seen himself improve. That doesn't go unnoticed by a teammate or a bystander.

Yeah, I mean, he SHOWS UP and stuff! What a LEADER.

I'm already a lot more nervous than I was originally about Tarvaris as this interview goes on. He's talking like my old boss during one of my annual reviews. "He speaks clearly. People seem to like him. His desk is usually clean. Sometimes he brings popcorn and soda to our department meetings. I hear he does a pretty good Charles Nelson Reilly impression."

Q: There's a lot of increased expectations out there — some people say this is a possible Super Bowl team — are those expectations appropriate?

Correct answer: No.

Childress's answer: Well, that's not for me to say whether they're appropriate or not. I would say it beats the alternative, of saying you're the dregs of society or you're in a gutter. I like the fact that nobody has bigger expectations than our players and our coaching staff. I like the fact that we're growing the team the right way. Those guys like practicing with each other. It's a good mentality. It's a whistle-while-you-work mentality. Obviously, you have to get it out on the field, but I like the enthusiasm. I like the expectations.

Blah blah diplomacy blah blah cliches blah blah... It's getting hard to tell if someone needs to fire Childress's PR coach, or if he's really that bland. I wonder if he has one of those gigantic laminated posterboards for interviews too. These answers render interviews like this as completely useless filler.

Q: Can that be a distraction? When you were in Philadelphia, you guys were a very strong team and a potential Super Bowl team. Can that be a distraction when a lot of people are projecting you to be great, and you probably know you have something special, too?

A: Not unless you've got narcissistic personality disorder or something like that — love yourself and don't take care of your business. It's a show-me game, and our guys are aware of that. It's what have you done (lately), and every year stands on its own merits, and every game stands on its own merits.

Plus, you have to have a personality to have a personality disorder, so that rules that out.

Q: Do you have to do anything to prepare for the possibility of losing Bryant McKinnie if he ends up getting suspended following his offseason arrest in Miami?

A: Not specifically (regarding) Bryant. But we go through numbers of ... it's like having mock drafts. The what-if scenario. What if, what if, what if. And you have to. I mean, you have to do those kinds of things, like have (an emergency) quarterback.

Some guy: Coach Childress, can you point me to the nearest gas station?

Childress: I really have to consider all 80 gas stations in this area. I would say that BP gas stations are frequently placed among the city but I would have to begin to think to imagine that the possibility of the slightest chance that under any circumstances there's circumstantial evidence regarding a Shell gas station within 5 miles that one would entertain the possibility of heading in that direction. But I like the fact that Exxon Mobil has reached my expectations. And Holiday gas stations have gasoline. They get down to business. You gotta take it one gas station at a time or you lose focus. Each gas station stands on its own merits.

Q: Who do you look at as your backup at left tackle? Who will compete there?

A: Well, Artis (Hicks) certainly has the experience to do that. That would be the first guy I'd think of. But there's a bunch of people we're going to roll through there.

Some guy: So what about the NEAREST gas station, to right here, where we are standing?

Childress: Well, Philips certainly has the experience to do that. But there's a bunch of gas stations.


Q: As a football coach, you want to get your best players on the field. Two of your best players are running backs. Is there a way you can better take advantage of that this season, especially with Adrian Peterson working more on his pass catching?

A: Better take advantage of it? Not unless they play with two balls. I don't think it's going to happen.

You know, if there's an advantage, a strategic advantage, to playing with two backs, then I'd say yes.

Here's an idea, since you're the head coach and all: CREATE a strategic advantage. How about, god forbid, playing to the strengths of your personnel instead of shoving square pegs into round holes?

Q: Is there a training camp battle you're looking forward to?

A: I think there's going to be a number of competitive positions, without singling out one.

Thanks for stopping by, coach.



Many people have developed strong emotions towards Brad Childress in his three short years as Vikings' head coach and you can say what you will about this interview and about Brad Childress, but there can be no denying that this was in fact an interview, and it did in fact involve Brad Childress.